Temperature Check Time

I'm taking it back, way back to the blog beginning, when I wrote about my consumption patterns.  Over the year and a half of very active blogging, I've been uncovering things about myself.  Not all of them are very pleasant.
The thing about a blog like this one is I can fashion an image or sense of who I am by choosing a particular selection of beauty products to show and appear a certain way by the pictures of myself I reveal.  I might also create an illusion of happiness or prosperity.  After all, blog is almost fully a one way expression.

At the end of the day, I may choose to portray myself as a happy and educated consumer, but actually, all this dwelling on makeup for happiness shows me that I am looking for love in all the wrong places.  As so well sung by Eddie Murphy in vintage SNL days:

Not that I don't have plenty of other important aspects of my life going on, but increasingly I realize that buying makeup is truly just an ineffective coping mechanism that I've been leaning on to bring a jolt of teh happy.  It is also my lazy way to achieve life fulfillment (because spending is easy) versus putting my efforts to more fulfilling things.

To some extent, filling my head with makeup facts, makeup looks, makeup buying plans did (does) give me a lot of pleasure.  But when I see my vanity cluttered with things, which used to be all coveted and desired with ardor look and feel like too much junk.  The physical clutter and the financial clutter is some of the price to pay for easy fulfillment.

I've cut purchases way way back.  Summer collections are generally easy to ix-nay for me.  The real test of my control in spending will really be for Fall.

Used to be that beauty buying was my big outlet for teh happiness, now it's a mixture of that plus blogging itself.  I do love many aspects of it.  But in the same way beauty consumption has its own pitfalls and doesn't fulfill a real human void in me, blogging fails in that regard as well.

I'm proud people read this blog.  I'm grateful I get to interact with such passionate, goofy and fun lot of you!  But on the other hand (I have many hands. :) ), it doesn't act as a very good substitute for real human to human interaction.  Because I am so introverted in real life, interacting with hoomins on the blog feels so comfortable.  Wonder if this also resonates with other introverts out there?  And because it feels so comfortable, I find it a really seductive medium for which to fall deeper and deeper.  I fall so deeply in it, that I worry it fills too big a role in my need for hoomin/hoomin bonding.

Even though I've said before how (using mocking falsetto tone) I've learned my product preferences and what I really like so that I buy smarter, at the crux of it for me is that buying stuff does not fulfill a real need.  There, I'm saying that all the gorgeous makeup I fixate on doesn't really make me happy. 

Even though I just stated how much I enjoy running this little blog, it's a social crutch.  There, I said that, too.  Blogging is my social crutch and doesn't help challenge my social status quo and likely sets it back.

What does this all mean?  BELLY, YOU QUITTIN' ON US AGAIN?  I think like many of you, I'm just looking for fulfillment and balance.  I've just reached a milestone, now at age 41, realizing what doesn't fulfill me or balance me.  What this means for the blog is probably very minimal maybe, since this journey is my own and internal and private.  I still have makeup to share!  Maybe more fried chicken, too.  Know that in the background, I am working on finding what truly makes me happy.  If I do disappear into the aether, that means I found something to make me really happy!

Happiness and fulfillment for all of you!

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